Better

I’m feeling much better today. Thanks for all of your wonderful comments and words of encouragement. Sometimes just KNOWING what the issue is makes a huge difference. For the record, I did talk to my boss today and it went very well. Everyone at work has just been beyond stressed – boss included – and so now that I have dealt with my own issues, I can put more effort into helping others at the office, which is the attitude I’m more accustomed to. I don’t like myself when I’m crabby.

Ever since I lost my wallet, I’ve had this ridiculous urge to shop. I want to buy shoes and clothes and Christmas gifts, but I can’t buy anything because I have zero cash, I cancelled all of my cards and the new ones haven’t arrived yet. I guess in a way, that’s a good thing because we really need to save money. Not only for Christmas, but I’ve already started thinking about a spring vacation to some place warm and tropical. We’ve already been to Hawaii, Bahamas, Miami, Florida Keys, Riviera Maya, and Cabo San Lucas. So I’m thinking maybe Jamaica, Costa Rica, a Caribbean cruise, or Puerto Vallarata. Is it even safe to visit Mexico again? Any suggestions for a fairly inexpensive beach vacation?

Please validate my awesomeness

I had an epiphany today.

Remember this post? Where I’m all gloom and doom? (It’s okay if you don’t.  I block out bad memories too.) Well, I was thinking about that and how I pretty much feel the exact same as I did then. So after work tonight, I sat in front of my computer and typed out a full-page, single spaced letter to my boss about all of my frustrations. I needed to write it at all out, just to get it organized in my own head so that when I sit down to talk to him, I don’t just blather on like a whiney idiot. I want to have well thought out points and proposed solutions. (e.g. I’m unhappy, here’s why I’m unhappy, and here’s how I think we can fix it.) I’m nothing if not practical.  Once I finished writing, I sat there and stared at my page of words and jumbled thoughts. What the hell did I just write? It was a mess. Even I didn’t know what I was talking about. What a waste of time.

“Why can’t my boss just automatically know all this work I’m doing? I’ve been busting my ass for weeks now, and no one seems to notice but me. What does it take to get a “great job!” around here?” 

And that’s when it hit me. The overwhelming urge to just grab a red pen and write across my letter “I JUST WANT A HUG!” (Okay, maybe not a REAL hug, but bear with me. I have a point.) It’s not the amount of work, the type of work, or anything at all to do with the actual work that’s making me unhappy. I’ve tried to blame my negativity on all of those things these last couple of weeks, but the truth is, I just crave a little positive reinforcement. I want to feel valued. I’ve been working in a silo for at least a month, working  harder than I ever have before, with no one to tell me how I’ve been doing, good or bad. And that’s frustrating.

I’m a little embarrassed that something so seemingly insignificant has the power to impact my entire outlook on a project, but, there it is. And I just realized it. Today. After weeks of bitching and moaning and not really understanding why. And I’m telling you this because it honestly took me WEEKS to figure out that’s what’s wrong. And I’m sure I’m not the only one. But I know exactly what it will take to make me feel better.

So now my next question is, how do I get my boss to tell me I’m awesome without me telling him to tell me I’m awesome? (This is assuming of course that I am actually doing a good job, and hopefully not dropping balls and generally sucking.)

Know what sucks?

Not being able to find your wallet, but not quite sure where you could have lost it.

I went to the grocery store after work and carried in just my wallet and cell phone. I know I had it then because I paid for the groceries and walked out. But what happened to it from there, I have no idea. About three hours later, I realized it was gone and after calling the grocery store, scouring the house, the car, and even driving back up to the grocery store to take a spin around the parking lot and harass the cart boy…still no wallet.

So I jumped online and checked my accounts. No activity, which is awesome, but then I had to call my bank and two credit card companies. All made it very easy, except Victoria’s Secret who only takes calls during regular business hours, so I just hope whomever found my wallet doesn’t decide to go on a panty shopping spree tomorrow morning before I can call and cancel it.

I didn’t have much cash on me – just $10 and some change – but I did have a $50 Macy’s gift card, a $25 JC Penney’s gift card and a bunch of loyalty cards/rewards cards. Not to mention my driver’s license which is going to be a HUGE pain the ass to replace. Unless someone has done this before and knows of a way to do this without going into the DMV?

I keep hoping I’ll find my wallet somewhere crazy, like in the freezer, or in the cabinet with the canned goods, or maybe with the recycled grocery bags. But no, I already checked all of those places and I feel a little like a senile old woman for honestly not remembering if I picked it up out of the cart, if I threw it back in my purse, if I dropped it in a grocery bag, or if I carried it upstairs and stuck it in my shoe.

So yeah, losing your wallet sucks.

Movie Reviews

Due to our busy work schedules, weekends at home are sacred between me and the hubs. We spend as much time together as possible, even accompanying each other on mundane errands like going to the grocery store, getting the oil changed, picking up dinner, or dropping off a movie.

Speaking of movies, cuddling up on the couch with a blanket, some popcorn, and a movie is one of our favorite pastimes. And we did a lot of that this weekend, but two of the four movies just plan sucked. So here’s my weekend review of the four movies we saw:

Friday night, we saw the Michael Jackson movie “This Is It”. If you’re not a fan, then you probably shouldn’t see it. I, however, loved it! I’m amazed and how much talent one man can posess – both muscially and rythmically. I would highly recommend seeing this, but only if you’re a big fan of his music (and like to watch a lot of dancing).

Ghosts of Girlfriends Past was next. It just came out on DVD and I’m a big fan of both Matthew McConaughey and Jennifer Garner. But this movie? What were they thinking? It was AWFUL. And not just because it was predictable. I actually like predictable. But the script was terrible. Did the actors even read the script before they signed on to do this? I’m thinking no.

Land of the Lost was the second new release rental and I already expected this to be bad. In fact, the only reason I agreed to get it was because I had already forced my husband to watch the two aforementioned movies and he wanted to see this one. Maybe I’m alone in this, but I don’t really think Will Ferrell is all that funny. I like SOME of his movies, maybe even most of his movies, but I’d rather watch Vince Vaughn, Owen Wilson, Adam Sandler, Jack Black, or even Mike Meyers movies any day. This one was definitely one of his worst.

The final movie of the weekend was an older one – Road to Perdition. I love Tom Hanks, and though we’d both seen this movie when it first came out, we had forgotten it completely, so it was like watching it for the first time all over again. So good. And Jude Law is creepy.

What movies have you watched lately?

 

Halloween 2009

Given my lack-luster attitude about Halloween this year, I wasn’t expecting much of a celebration. But on Saturday, that all changed as we spent 3+ hours trying to find the perfect costume. I searched EVERYWHERE for a simple pig snout and wings (so I could be the swine flu) but the pig snout turned to be harder to find than I thought and after several stores, the best thing I could find was an evil pig mask or a clown nose that I could possible paint pink and draw pig-like nostrils on. Lame. So at 4pm, I changed my entire idea and decided to just go as a vampire. 1. Because I already had the fangs and 2. the costume was slightly cheaper than the others ($30 rather than $40 or $50). The hubs had already decided to go as Wolverine, but finding dog tags on a chain proved to be almost as difficult as finding a pig snout.

After we finally decided on costumes, we still had to run by the grocery store for booze, more candy, and ingredients to make chili. We had invited my husband’s work friend and his girlfriend over (neither of whom I had ever met before) so I also wanted to make sure the house was clean before they came over. With only 1.5 hours to cook, get dressed and clean the house, I’d say we did pretty well.

One of the things I LOVE about our neighborhood is the abundance of trick-or-treaters. And on a night like last night – cool, yet dry with a near-full moon – we knew we needed to stock up on the goods. We ended up going through about 7 bags of candy. We have about eight pieces left over and that’s it.

So we hung out with our new friends, passed out candy, and watched snippets of The Great Pumpkin and Hocus Pocus. Oh yeah, and Fredbird stopped by. You know Fredbird. The mascot for the STL Cardinals? Yeah, he came to my house.

Those are my boobs. And the giant black hand is the blow-up Grim Reaper we have in front of our doorway. I love that thing. I didn’t end up taking any photos of the night, but fortunately our neighbors did. And apparently my outfit was a big hit with the boys. Or at least my husband.

It’s hard to see, but it wasn’t a bad costume for $30. And the glass I’m holding is my beloved Family Guy glass. I also discovered a new favorite drink – Three Olives vodka in root beer flavor with diet root beer. Delish.

Around 9, we walked across the street to hang out with the neighbors and their five fire pits. I think there were close to 20 of us, and I’d like to think our new friends had a good time. It’s not often we bring in “outsiders” to the craziness that is the neighborhood bonfires, but we figured they were cool enough to not run away screaming at all the insanity. 

But now it’s November. (GAH! November!) And I’m not looking forward to the next couple of weeks for a number of different reasons, though I am sort of anxious to plan the Thanksgiving Day menu. As much work as hosting is, I just love doing it.

Just not feeling it

I just can’t seem to get into the Halloween spirit this year. Usually we’re the couple that decorates the house, has our costumes planned weeks in advance, and participates in all the fun fall festivities leading up to the big day – haunted houses, pumpkin and apple picking, pumpkin carving, etc. But this year we’ve done nothing. I put out a few decorations but not the really cool ones. I don’t even feel like dressing up even though the neighborhood theme (cowboys & indians) was picked out last year. I just don’t want to buy a costume or put in the effort.

Instead I’ve had to refrain from making out the Christmas cards, debating Christmas stamps, and playing non-stop Christmas music. I caved and bought some sugar and spice lip gloss, but that’s it!

I did however manage to watch Charlie Brown’s The Great Pumpkin, and scare the crap out of myself watching Amityville Horror (oh Ryan Reynolds, you are pretty with your shirt off). And maybe I’ll watch Hocus Pocus tomorrow, but I know I’ll be one of those people who runs out to the store to buy candy a few mere hours before trick-or-treaters arrive. And unless I want to be the party pooper of my group of neighbor friends, I’ll need to find a suitable costume that hopefully doesn’t cost more than $15. My husband might go as Wolverine. He’s been growing the beard for about a week, so all he needs is a flannel shirt and white tank, and some claws. I haven’t seen any claws at the Halloween stores so I hope he doesn’t expect me to make them. Maybe I’ll just get a pig snout and a set of wings and go as the “swine flew”. I’m sure no one will think of THAT this year. (insert sarcasm here)

You can sit beside me when the world comes down

Almost everyone I know is having a really shitty time with life right now. Whether it’s stress, relationships, friendships, or maybe they’re just sick, litterally everyone I know has something worth complaining about in their lives at the moment.

Which is why, this morning when I was stressing out about work stuff and wondering if maybe I’m just a pansy because EVERYONE has issues right now, I kind of lost it and cried. In my office. At 9am. For some, this might be a weekly or monthly occurrance. But in the almost six years that I’ve worked for my company, I have never – I repeat, never – cried at work over work-related reasons. But today I did. And then I just got more frustrated, except this time with myself because I should be stronger than this, but that only made me cry a little more. To describe it, it wasn’t a full on sob, but more of a defeated, kicked in the gut too many times to care anymore, kind of cry. To get into it really wouldn’t make much sense to anyone that doesn’t work with me, so I won’t.

Usually I have a firmer grasp on the reality of things. I mean, in the grand scheme of life, my little work issues are laughable. I probably won’t even remember them in five years. So why does it feel like the entire world is crashing down around me?

I talked things over with a manager that I just adore and she really helped me sort through my thoughts and frustrations. Though nothing has changed yet, I felt better. Then that afternoon, it’s like my husband sensed that I needed some cheering up, so I was surprised to receive a delivery of 50 mini-roses. I hadn’t said much to him about work other than I was really stressed, so that surprised me. He’s a pretty awesome husband.

So here’s what I learned today:

• It’s okay to cry.
• It’s also okay to ask for help. You may have to swallow your pride to do either of these, but sometimes the alternative is much worse.
• Talking helps. As long as it’s someone you respect and trust.
• Husbands aren’t always as dense as they like to let on. They can be incredibly thoughtful and romantic if they really want to. And sometimes, when you think they’re not listening and they don’t really care, they just might surprise you.
• And lastly, the world isn’t ending just because you have a bad day. But if it is, or you just feel like it is, you can sit beside me when the world comes down.

Post inspired by this song:

At this moment…

Stole this monthly meme from my good buddy Nora because today is one of those days when I WANT to write so much, but my mind is going in a thousand different directions, so this just seems easier. Sorry, but I’m lazy. A lazy blogger. We’re the worst.

Current Book(s):
Work in Progress: an Albert Einstein biography
Finished: The Birth of Venus

Current Music:
An assortment of Christmas music. I know it’s early, but I’ve been working on holiday-themed projects at work and so it helped to inspire me. And now I’m slightly addicted.

Current Shame-Inducing Guilty Pleasure:
Season 1 of True Blood

Current Colors:
bright oranges and browns. What can I say? It’s fall and less than a week until Halloween.

Current Obsessions:
Organizing (vacation photos, home files)
Planning our next vacation
Soups – all I seem to want to eat lately is soup.

Current Drink:
Water and Crystal Light

Current Songs:
Sweetest Thing – U2

Current Movie:
Just watched Year One

Current TV Show:
Biggest Loser Season 8

Current Wish-List:
A cleaning lady

Current Needs:
More energy, motivation and hours in the day to hit the gym

Current Triumph(s):
Losing 4 lbs.

Current Bane(s) of my Existence:
My Google Reader, too much work at work, re-doing the tile floor in the guest bathroom, and upcoming daylight savings time. I absolutely hate that it will soon be dark at 5:30 at night.

Current Goal(s):
Lose 10 more pounds by December

Put the new tile floor in before Thanksgiving

Finish printing all of our vacation photos from these last few years and put them in albums

Organize the home office

Finish this damn Einstein biography so I can read something more fun

Current Indulgence:
cheesy tortilla soup (I can make a semi-healthy version that is soooo good)

Current Blessing:
Friends - I’ve been able to spend at least one night every week hanging out with a friend. I love that.    

Current Slang or Saying:
You know how some people will call and ask  “how are you?” Well I always start by asking, “what are you doing?”

Current (Fav) Outfit:
Jeans and a sweatshirt. Or PJ pants and a sweatshirt.

Current Excitement:
Halloween! Even though I have NO idea what I’m going to be yet.

Current Mood:
Sleepy. It’s bedtime.

Seething With Jealousy?

I went to the dentist for my regular six month cleaning and it just so happens that my dentist is also the dad of a girl I used to work with about five years ago. So even though I haven’t spoken to her in almost five years, I get an update on her life from her dad every six months. I’ve heard about her big move to Chicago, her engagement, her wedding, her vacations, etc. She’s a nice girl, and though we were peers, I didn’t know her very well. We only worked together for about four or five months anyway. So I never thought much about the conversations with her dad and updates until today.

As it turns out, his daughter and her new husband quit their jobs to go on the adventure of a lifetime – one year of nothing but traveling and seeing the world. They’ll start in Argentina,  then go to Brazil, then New Zealand, Australia, Southeast Asia and so on. Are they wealthy? Not really, so they’ll be living in hostels, making their own food, and carrying little more than what can fit in a backpack. FOR A YEAR.

I spent the entire drive to work in my car in absolute silence. Of course I was jealous. But I was deep in thought trying to figure out how to make a dream like this come true. I had so many questions. How does one (or in this case, two people) plan and budget for such a trip? How do you know how much money you’ll need to buy plane tickets to get you from point A to B? And how much are the hostels? How far in advance do you plan? What do you do with all your stuff? How much money can you make by selling all your stuff? Is it enough to pay for a year’s worth of traveling? How often do you have to do laundry if the only clothes you have are the ones you can carry? How many pairs of underwear do you need?

I was in the zone, almost obsessing over this for a good 30 to 40 minutes. But the more I thought about it, the less appealing it became. I remember our European cruise last year. We were only gone 10 days, and we loved (almost) every minute of it (I could’ve done without the constipation. And Naples.) but I missed home. I missed my dog. I missed my family (phone calls were too expensive). I missed my job (strange, but true). I missed my country! Would I like to travel the world? Of course! But do I want to experience it as an almost-homeless person? Not really. I like staying in a hotel or eating out at a restaurant. They don’t have to be fancy, but I wouldn’t complain if they were!

So as far as I’m concerned, the girl I used to know can have her year off and her adventure. I’m sure it will be unforgettable and she’ll have no regrets. But I hope she writes a book or takes some really awesome photographs to sell when she gets back because trying to reenter the job market in this economy after taking an entire year off might not be so easy. How does “hostel jumping” translate on a resume anyway?

Three is Enough

Since May, I’ve lost three grandparents this year. First, there was hubby’s grandma, whom I considered my grandma as well because we were all pretty close. Then, there was my biological father’s father. We weren’t very close and I hadn’t seen him in years, but funerals are never really easy. Then this past weekend was my step-dad’s mother’s funeral. Again, we weren’t very close, but that had more to do with her almost decade long battle with Alzheimer’s. She hadn’t so much as opened her eyes in two years, and probably hadn’t spoken in at least five, so it felt like we lost her a long, long time ago.

The only positive about the weekend – in addition to seeing the gorgeous fall colors of the trees in Kentucky – was getting to see family, some of which I hadn’t seen since my wedding. (Which was also in Kentucky. I even saw the preacher that married us.) I used to spend a lot of time with my step-family, especially around the holidays back in my pre-marital days. But with marriage comes a new family and with a new family comes new traditions, so I stopped partaking in the step-family Thanksgiving dinner in Kentucky in order to host my own Thanksgiving here in St. Louis with my parents, grandparents, aunt and cousin. And then Xmas is spent with the in-laws. It would be so much easier if everyone lived in the same town, or same state, but we’re just all so spread out that we can’t go from house to house in one day or even one weekend during the holidays.

So even though the circumstances weren’t ideal, it was nice to spend time with parts of my family I don’t get to see very often. Even if I didn’t particularly care for driving – by myself – for a total of 9 hours this weekend since hubby was out-of-town for work (and attending a U2 concert, 20 ft from the stage as I’m typing this. Not that I’m bitter. Because I’m not. No really, I don’t even like U2.) I used to make the drive alone all the time, but road-trips are always better with two.