Road Rage

I consider myself a responsible driver. I don’t drink and drive, I don’t text message people from behind the wheel, and I always use my turn signal. I try to be patient with the elderly, and move out of the left lane when I’m not passing someone. Road rage is truly a non-issue for me.

Except for today.

Today, I began my commute as I do every day: cruising along the two-lane road near my house on a quiet and calm late summer morning. I merged to turn right and noticed a woman behind me, practically on my bumper. Obviously, she was in a hurry, but she let me overI forced my way over anyway. Immediately after the right turn, came a left turn at a stop light. The light turned yellow but the two cars in front of me continued to turn. There was no way I could make that light. It was red before I even approached the line. So I stopped and checked my rear-view, but the woman behind me was now ranting and raving in her car. I’m not a professional lip reader, but I’m pretty sure she used the word “fuck” about three times.

Oh hells no.

A very big part of me wanted to flip her off, or roll down my window and start yelling obscenities back at her, but “that’s not very nice,” I told myself. I started making excuses for her. She’s probably just in a hurry and also doesn’t realize that I can see her. I was wearing sunglasses and she wasn’t looking at me directly, but more at my car. So she’s not really yelling at me, I reasoned. She tossed back her curly hair and nudged her glasses as she took a sip from her water bottle. Clearly not a visible threat if this scenario would have taken place on the street. Side note: I’ve always thought it strange the sense of security people feel within their cars. I’ve seen people pick their noses and noticed when a woman’s head suddenly pops up in the passenger seat, wiping her mouth. Of course it’s gross, but for whatever reason, people seem to treat their cars like some sort of invisibility cloak.

Anyway, I resisted the temptation to lash back out at this woman who was clearly very angry with me for my obvious intention of making her late for something of considerable importance, I’m sure. I’m a horrible person for not running that red light. Whatever. I’m over it. La, la, la, sunshine, rainbows, unicorns, happy, happy, happy.

I turned my attention back toward the red stoplight, waiting for it to turn green. The instant it changed, I let my foot off the brake and started to turn. Mid-way through my turn, I heard a honk and looked back in time to see her mouth the word “GO!”  

And then, I lost my shit. I immediately hit my breaks, forcing her to get into the lane next to me. I rolled down my window and flashed her my warmest welcome sign as I watched her drive by me with an up-turned nose, completely avoiding any and all eye contact. Another red light was coming up, and with no other cars in sight, she quickly cut over into my lane to avoid sitting at a light side by side with me. So instead, I cut over into hers, pulling up alongside her little silver car. I was about to throw down, and she knew it. I stared at her until she finally looked over at me. Then I pointed at her and politely told her to “calm the fuck down.” She looked away – almost fearfully – before I could even finish my sentence. She wasn’t yelling obscenities or waving hand gestures  now. She just wanted the hell out of there. Suddenly I was the crazy, ranting lunatic. And if we’re being completely honest here? I kind of liked it. She wasn’t nearly as vocal about her obvious dislike of my driving skills when she realized she was acting out against an actual person rather than the bumper of a car. And that was really the point I wanted to make.

That, and also, don’t fuck with me before 8 am.

Read Full Post »

It is (almost) done.

Before:

Step 1: Tear out old deck.

Step 2: Lay new boards

Step 3: Add railing

Step 4: Add furniture and enjoy!

We still need to add some lattice work around the bottom and maybe some outdoor lighting. We also need to go back and stain it some time in October. But for the most part, it is done and we did it – just the two of us – and with minimal blood shed. Now we can finally sit out on our deck with a cold beer in hand and stare right into the neighbor’s backyard. Hmm…now that I think about it, perhaps our next project should be a privacy fence.

Read Full Post »

I’m just not good at this.

When something exciting happens, I’m one of the first (and loudest) people to make a big deal about it. Friend got engaged? SQUEAL! HUGS! DRINKS! OMGOMGOMG! Grandpa’s having a birthday? CAKE! BALLOONS! SINGING! PRESENTS! YAYAYAYAYAY! A puppy finally learns to pee and poop outside? GOOD PUPPY! SO GOOD! HAVE TREATS! LOTS & LOTS OF TREATS! OMG! SMARTEST PUPPY EVER!

But if something bad happens? I don’t know how to handle it. Friend totaled their car? “Dude, that sucks. You had full coverage right?” Someone loses their job? “Dude, that sucks. At least you’ll save on gas money.” Friend gets heart broken? “Dude, that sucks. Want a drink? I suggest tequila. And that guy who appears single right over there. Don’t worry, he’s totally cute…after that shot of tequila.”

I’ve always seen myself as the sarcastic jokester among my circle of friends. If they’re feeling down, I can usually make them laugh and turn their attention to something lighter. But if they’re really down? And it’s heavy, serious shit where jokes are likely not appropriate? I can’t function. Unfortunately, this was brought to my attention yet again today when one of my longest, most beloved friends called to invite me and my husband out bowling. I razzed him for not calling more often (it’s been about three weeks) and he said he was dealing with a bunch of shit. Knowing his step-dad had been in the hospital for nearly a year with cancer, I asked how he was.

“We put him in the ground today,” he said.

“Oh man, I’m so sorry.”

Then silence. And there’s nothing I hate more than awkward silence. But, what else do you say? I tried to ask questions and keep the conversation going, but it was loud and he was having difficulty hearing me because he was with family at a restaurant having pizza, drinking beer (per his step-dad’s request). But despite all that, I could tell he didn’t really know what to say either.

I didn’t know my friend’s step-dad very well and hadn’t seen him since I was in high-school, but I still find myself fighting back tears just imagining the pain my dear friend must be going through. And for the first time, a silly joke, a goofy face, not even a shot of tequila will help make that pain go away. My “bag-o-happy-tricks” is rendered useless. And that makes me feel useless.

Maybe I just need more tequila.

Read Full Post »

And know that the pecan-crusted chicken salad has 750 calories

I can’t believe I haven’t blogged about meeting Stephanie yet!

Okay, so last week? I met Stephanie. She was in town for work and after much “Yay!-ing” about her impending arrival, we finally got down to logistics and decided to meet at TGIFriday’s, since it was super convenient for both of us. Having recently read a post about how she is always freakishly early for events and meetups, I decided to put extra effort into not being late. I am habitually late for everything. Except my period. That bitch is always on time, and sometimes early. I digress…

So I showed up about 20 minutes early, sat in my car applying lipgloss, flipping my hair, and listening to the new Darius Rucker song on the radio. (side note: is it strange to primp for meeting up with girlfriends? does everyone else do this too?)

I walked in, notified the hostess that I would be meeting a friend, and proceeded to use the facilities. I was still about 15 minutes early at this point. Once I came out, I waited for about five minutes before the hostess offered to seat me in a booth where I would be able to see Stephanie walk in. I ordered a water, perused the menu, and waited. Five minutes past our scheduled meet up time, and she wasn’t there. Maybe she had a meeting that ran late, I thought. Maybe she fell asleep in her hotel room. Maybe she got lost finding her way back to her hotel and never got my email with my phone number in it. Maybe she ran into someone that looked like me and they started talking and now she was stuck in some awkward conversation she didn’t know how to escape and I needed to save her but I DON’T KNOW WHERE SHE IS! Okay, so maybe I overreacted a little. I looked around for the waitress and told her I was going to go to the other side of the restaurant to see if she was waiting for me over there (there are two entrances to this particular Friday’s). Lo and behold, there she was, standing there all pretty and patient and I felt like a giant asshole for not thinking to check over there earlier when I KNEW there were two entrances, and she did not. And after she had just posted about being super early for everything. Sheesh.

I showed her back to our booth and our mouths watered simultaneously at all of the photos of deliciousness in our menu. Still, we are both former Weight Watchers members, and I would’ve felt guilty for ordering something I know would be bad for me when I assumed she would likely order something light, like a salad. So I ordered a salad too. Only to find out a week later that my innocent salad had at least 750 calories!! Now I know.

But the salad was by far the least interesting thing going on at the moment. We talked as if we were old friends that had somehow lost touch over the years and we were just now getting the chance to update each other on our lives. I was having such a good time that the very first time it occurred to me to even check my watch, it was already after 10pm. An hour later, we finally said our goodbyes. Poor Steph had been up for about 20 hours straight!

So my takeaway for you, bloggy friends: If you find someone that you can talk to for more than four hours straight and still not be tired of talking to them, then you should probably hold onto them. They’re good people. And maybe you should think about checking BOTH entrances so you don’t make these good people stand there, waiting on you for 15 minutes.

Read Full Post »

Introducing Champ

About a month after we got married, and two months after we had moved into our house (with a fenced-in yard!) we decided to expand our family.

We got a puppy.

 A couple weeks later, and he looked like this:

They grow so fast, don’t they? Like weeds. Like incredibly furry, smelly, slobbering weeds.

The funny thing about dogs is that they’re a lot like people. Champ, for example, is not a morning dog. When we’re up showering and getting dressed for the day, he just lies there. Annoyed, if anything, that we are disrupting his peaceful slumber. And like your typical teenager, it takes several attempts to get him out of bed. We practically have to force him outside to do his business. After a grunt or two and a few stretches, he saunters to the door, takes a few steps off the patio, and barely lifts his leg for a few seconds before turning right back around and going back to bed.

Evenings are a completely different situation. If I’m home first, he’ll greet me and then resume his position as door guardian.

Once Ryan gets home, he greets him and then immediately expects him to drop what he’s doing and take him to the park. Champ’s absolute favorite thing is going to the park and fetching baseball. In fact, we can’t even say the word “park” without him going berserk. After jumping up and down for a few seconds, he stands in front of his table, alternating between staring at his leash and ball and staring at you.

Exhibit A: Staring at you

Exhibit B: Staring at leash and ball

This part always amuses me because he can’t actually SEE the leash or the ball, but he knows that’s where we keep them.

The rest of the evening, he just follows us around, usually with a toy or bone in tow. Champ is very rough on toys, which means we have to replace them often. His toy-of-the-moment is this floppy teddy bear.

I had to snap this picture rather quickly, because once he noticed I was suddenly interested in HIS bear, it looked like this:

And this

Notice his eye, suspiciously watching me from the side.

If in the mornings, he’s like a teenager, then at bedtime, he’s like a two year old. That bear? Goes to bed with him every night. I forgot to snap a picture of him sleeping in bed with his bear, but it looks strangely similar to this one, with his first toy.

Goodnight little buddy!

Read Full Post »

100 Things

I’ve never done a “100 Things” post, but I figure there’s no better time than the present to go ahead and divulge the details, as random as they might be. So, here it goes:

1. I got married in May of 2006 at the age of 23.
2. Five days later I turned 24 and celebrated my birthday on our honeymoon in Mexico.
3. This was my favorite birthday, so far.
4. Our digital camera was stolen on our way back from Mexico, so we have ZERO honeymoon pics.
5. I was depressed over this for about a month.
6. Then we got a puppy. He’s a yellow lab/golden retriever mix.
7. His name is Champ. As in, “Champion.”
8. I’m an advocate for adopting shelter/rescued dogs.
9. I’m not a cat person, but I used to be.
10. I still like kittens, and some cats, but I trust NONE of them.
11. This is because I once had a cat that went all Pet Cemetery on my entire family one night.
12. Seriously, it tried to kill us and my cousin still has the scars. So now I don’t trust cats.
13. But I do love Lolcats.
14. I’m allergic to bananas and guacamole.
15. I’m not allergic to onions, though sometimes I tell people that I am so they won’t put onions on my food.
16. I hate onions.
17. And I REALLY hate it when Taco Bell screws up my order of a “bean burrito, no onion” by piling on the onions.
18. But I still go to Taco Bell because I love their bean burritos (without onions).
19. I also frequent fast-food places such as Subway and Quizno’s.
20. This is because I am very busy and would rather spend my time sleeping than cooking.
21. I’m not a very good cook.
22. Though I would like to be.
23. But I’m a fabulous baker!
24. This is probably because I prefer to skip dinner and just go straight to dessert.
25. Which may be why I’m about 30 lbs. overweight.
26. And why I included “cake” in my blog title.
27. Because whenever I go to a social function, I always wonder, “will there be cake?”
28. Telling me that yes, there will be cake, is usually a good way to get me to show up just about anywhere.
29. I like red velvet and cheesecake, specifically.
30. Though I’ll eat just about any kind of cake, as long as it has real icing and none of that whipped cream stuff.
31. I also really enjoy ice cream cakes.
32. And cupcakes.
33. I do not like fruitcake.
34. Or the band, Cake.
35. I like country music.
36. I like other kinds of music too, but country is my favorite.
37. My very first concert was to see Sawyer Brown in Branson, Missouri.
38. But I’ve seen Dave Matthews Band more times in concert than any other artist (four times).
39. I’ve seen Aerosmith twice.
40. I’ve also seen Poison twice.
41. But I do not watch “Rock of Love.”
42. I don’t like most reality TV shows.
43. Except for The Biggest Loser and Extreme Home Makeover.
44. I love celebrity gossip.
45. But I don’t agree with the great lengths some photographers go to to get some of their photos.
46. The last celebrity I met was John Stamos.
47. This happened in May of ’07 while vacationing in New Orleans.
48. We were at Cafe Du Monde, and I was so star-struck that I could barely eat my beignet.
49. Cafe Du Monde was my favorite place in New Orleans.
50. My favorite vacation was in Feb./March 2007 when we went to Cabo San Lucas and Arizona.
51. We saw  the Pacific Ocean and the Grand Canyon all in one trip. These were firsts for both of us.
52. Above all else, my favorite hobby is traveling.
53. In fact, we’re taking our first trip to Europe next month.
54. We’ll be taking a Mediterranean cruise from Spain, to Italy, to France, and back to Spain.
55. Aside from the obvious feelings of excitement, I’m also a little nervous and scared.
56. I’ve never been in a plane for that long, and certainly never traveled across an entire ocean.
57. For Labor Day weekend, we’re going to NYC to see a Yankees game.
58. I love baseball.
59. I’m a Cardinals fan.
60. The first song I ever learned to sing was “Take Me Out to the Ballgame.”
61. My grandpa taught it to me on our drives home from daycare.
62. I love my grandpa.
63. I try to visit my grandparents a couple times per month.
64. My parents live in Kentucky, so I don’t see them as often.
65. My in-laws live in Ohio, so we only see them a couple of times per year.
66. I don’t have any siblings, but I have two sisters-in-law.
67. Both of them are older than me and have kids of their own
68. Which means I have a total of five nieces and nephews.
69. I love having nieces and nephews, especially at Christmastime, but I wish we could see them more often.
70. We spend every Christmas with my in-laws just so we can see all the kids open their presents.
71. This means we typically spend every Thanksgiving with my family, since we don’t get to see them for Christmas.
72. I like Christmas Eve better than Christmas Day.
73. One of my other favorite holidays is Halloween.
74. We like throwing costume parties at our house, but I don’t think we’ll throw one this year since Halloween is on a Friday and lots of people have kids that they need to take trick-or-treating.
75. I kind of wish I could still go trick-or-treating.
76. Handing out candy is not nearly as fun as getting the candy.
77. Though I do enjoy the jokes some kids tell me.
78. One of my favorite jokes is: What kind of bee produces milk? A boo-bee!
79. Sometimes my husband tells me this joke while giving me his best Christopher Walken impression.
80. I laugh every time.
81. I am easily amused.
82. I am also easily bored, and very restless at times.
83. I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
84. Like this post for example? I started it two days ago.
85. My first job was working the cash register at a Walgreens.
86. My second job was working the concession stand at a movie theater.
87. I loved working at the movie theater so much that I often volunteered to do 14 hour shifts when someone called in and couldn’t come to work.
88. Yes, I got to see movies for free.
89. The summer of 2003, I moved to Long Island, NY.
90. I completed two internships simultaneously and worked part-time at Victoria’s Secret.
91. I did not get free underwear.
92. And my discount wasn’t very good either.
93. I worked in the beauty department with all of the fragrances and makeup.
94. They talked about making me an assistant manager.
95. I talked about stabbing myself in the eye with an eyeliner pencil.
96. I moved back to the Midwest once the summer was over to finish school and decided to stay here. 
97. This was a very good decision.
98. I met my husband nine months after I graduated from college.
99. Eight months later he proposed.
100. Which brings us back to #1. The End.

Read Full Post »

So, um, hi!

Okay, so once upon a time, I had a blog.  I liked my blog very much, but I felt a little disconnected from my blog name. It didn’t represent me, or most of my content, so I decided that a re-branding effort was in order. For anyone new around here, my former blog name implied that my blog was only going to be about newbie married life. Whereas this one just implies that I like cake. And I do.

My old blog was also intended to be anonymous. But shit happened and I wanted to meet people in real life that I had originally met on the Internet, so then I wasn’t quite so anonymous. And people I knew in real life started to find out about my blog, mostly by accident, but still. Then I started doing blogger relations at work (I work in PR) and well, my little anonymous blog wasn’t so much anonymous anymore.

So that’s the back story. No drama, no major life changes, no crazy psychos stalking me on the Internet or otherwise (that I’m aware of). And for those of you that have followed me over from the old blog, I thank you. There will be some changes, in addition to the blog name.

1. I will be more open about who I am. This does not mean I will blog about work or my sex life (my two big bloggy no-no’s), but I will probably post more pictures of myself and maybe even use real names. Though I will still be keeping my last name private for security reasons.

2. I will be less snarky. When I was anonymous, I felt like I could say anything I wanted about anyone. This was not good. Lucky for me, I never suffered any consequences, but the key word here is “lucky.” Having a non-anonymous blog will help me to keep my mouth in check. Something I really should be doing anyway. Maybe this means I’m less interesting, but frankly, I don’t think that’s possible. It doesn’t get much less interesting than this. Then again, I now have the “password protected” posting options now that I switched to WordPress. I’ll try not to use it, because I hate when other people do it, but if I do, and you want to read it, just email me. And as long as it isn’t about you, I’ll probably send you the password.

So that’s it. It will probably take me a few days to get things situated around here with widgets and blogrolls and about pages since I’m new to this whole WordPress thing. Oh and the header is just temporary until I can figure out how to use PhotoShop, but yes that is a picture of me and my husband devouring a piece of our wedding cake. It was delicious.

Read Full Post »