Seriously. Any “winter lovers” can just stop reading right now, because you will find no love for the brutally cold, sunless season here. And trust me, this is not just me being a pansy and “oh my toes are cold and my skin is dry so I hate this time of year” kind of rant.
No. I can handle cold toes and dry skin. It’s called lotion and socks, folks. What I can’t handle is nature’s effect on my mood in the winter time. Example: When I have a weekend full of possibilities and no responsibilities Winter has this power over me that instead makes me choose to stay in bed because the thought of hibernating under the covers a little longer and watching every single episode of Man vs. Food is suddenly the epitome of comfort and at the time, seems like a perfectly rational way to spend the day. Or the entire weekend. So that’s what I did. ALL WEEKEND.
Let’s cut to the chase. Winter makes me a loser. It grabs a hold of my underwear, pulls it up my asscrack, then dunks my head in the toilet before shoving me in a locker. And it stole my lunch money. So I spend the majority of my time moping around the house in my flannel pajama pants and slippers, without even enough motivation to take a shower. That’s what winter does to me. And I hate it.
Summer, on the other hand, is my BFF. We shave our legs, dare to bare in teeny bikinis (Summer is all about the bikini. I’m more of a tankini type of girl) and frolic to the pool to catch some rays, dive into a great book, and sip on some fruity drinks. We drive around with the windows down, singing at the top of our lungs. Then, at night, we throw on a cute halter top, a flowy skirt, and spend the night socializing with friends until the wee hours of the morning. If one of us starts to feel tired or like we might want to go home, we slap each other on the back and hand the bitch a Red Bull. That’s how Summer and I roll. We’re a team. We have fun together. We’re there for each other. Well, at least until the end of September. Then Summer becomes a total bitch and leaves me for her friends down in Florida. I hear they have pools open all year long and drive convertibles. I don’t blame her, I guess.
So here I am, just me and Winter, hating each other over here. I tell Winter to suck it, and she throws ice rockets at my head. Or worse, she gives me a cold. It’s a fan-fucking-tastic time over here, chillin’ with Winter. And tonight, she told me she has some fabulous plans in store for us – an exciting and titillating drive home in the sleet and snow! I can’t wait.
Summer, if you’re reading this, please come back. A pitcher of margaritas is on me. And I promise we can go skinny dipping, just not in the kiddie pool this time, okay? We almost got arrested for that last year.
But... Will There Be Cake? 
Oh man, I hear ya sister. I had one job to do yesterday (laundry) and I barely got off the couch to get it half way done. Winter can bite my ass for all I care right now, I’m so sick of it. :P
You made me laugh with this post!
You are freaking hilarious!
And I HEAR YA all the way! I’m so over it!
I left PA this morning (at a gawd awful hour) in single digit temps to arrive in CA to warm and toasty window down type of weather.
Personally, I never felt one way or another about real winter until I left it. When we lived in TN, I missed real winter. Snow was always less than a 1/4 inch and temps always hovered around freezing but you just got rainy cold days. I don’t want cold weather unless there is snow to accompany it.
Remind me of that when I go back to PA Friday and there is 8 more inches of snow…
LOL I love your writing. And I agree. I hate what winter does to my mood, and even Aaron’s. And Aaron is never moody.
Amen sister! And I will add that all this snow falling outside is not helping my mood any.
I am with you 100 percent. Winter messes with my mood as well. Sometimes i really do think i have that disorder that makes you depressed when you don’t get enough sun, SADD I think? Anyway. I would be perfectly happy living in California or Florida, but it costs too much!
And seriously, this post cracked me up! Thanks, I needed it!
Well, you just read my similar entry, so you know I feel your pain :P Immediately after writing that post, I had to go load a trailer. … I am currently waiting to regain feeling in my face.
I am such the summer girl as well..winter sucks…..
I can totally relate. I grew up in Alaska and can’t stand the cold! If only there was a way to have the good stuff like snowmen, snow flakes, and hot chocolate. Screw black ice, frostbite, and sub zero temperatures!! Stick it to winter!
I just wanted to say I really like the name Braxton. That is all.
oh ha ha thanks! I like it too.
All I can say is I wish I had read this earlier in the week. I am laughing out loud, loudly, at my desk!
You have a knack for the funny writing my friend.
But I hear ya. I have winter blues lately, hardcore. it’s pathetic. I crave books, movies and bed this time of year.
I hate winter so much. I even recently said that I would move somewhere “warm” because of it. I have never uttered the words, “I’d move somewhere warm” before this winter. Times are a changin’.
[…] layers of clothes and four blankets. (Have I mentioned how much I HATE winter? Oh, it appears I have. Multiple […]