Dear Punxsutawney Phil,
You’re an asshole. I think this whole “seeing your shadow” bit is a crock. And on top of that, you only work for about 10 seconds one day a year. Maybe I’m just jealous, but you’re still an asshole.
The leader of the Coalition Against Fat, Lazy Groundhogs (CAFLG).
Dear Skinny People at the Gym,
If you don’t have butt dimples or are smaller than a size 4, get the hell off the treadmill and go eat a cheeseburger. You’re making the rest of us out-of-shape people look bad and honestly, my competitive side can’t take it anymore. Maybe you haven’t noticed me trying to out run you both in speed and distance when we’re on the treadmill next to each other, but I bet you noticed me that time I may have went a little too fast and in an attempt to slow back down, knocked my iPhone off and sent it flying a good 10 feet behind me. Better it than me I guess. But I’m still blaming you and your skinny ass for my inappropriate behavior. This wouldn’t have happened had I been competing with someone a little more…fleshy.
Now get the hell out.
Someone with the metabolism of a sloth
Dear lady in the elevator,
Look, I don’t want to be the one to tell you this, but no one is going to notice that cute Kate Spade bag of yours when just one whiff of your breath can knock a girl unconscious. Maybe you should spend a little less money on accessories and a little more with your dental hygienist. Just sayin’.
Girl who was nearly knocked unconscious in the elevator