When I become a parent, there are a few key things I plan to teach my child.
1) Always remember to say “please” and “thank you.”
2) It’s okay to pick your nose, but only in the bathroom when other people aren’t looking.
3) Do not, I repeat, DO NOT fart on the treadmill.
If you follow me on Twitter, then you may have seen my multiple tweets complaining about fellow gym patrons and their failure to control their gas. You see, every great once in awhile on a crowded day at the gym where we’re all lined up like soldiers, pounding away on the treadmill, someone will just let one go and the smell permeates the immediate area sometimes triggering a gag reflex. I’ve noticed that some people are either too focused on their running or pretend not to notice the smell. Others are breathing through their mouths and probably can’t smell it. But I always look around, hoping to catch the sneaky bastard with a guilty look on his or her face. When this happened earlier this week I had it narrowed down to two guys, but the overwhelming smell of curry coming from their sweaty pores already had me thinking I should end my workout early. So when the fart hit my nose, I slowed my pace and held my breath for the stench to pass. Once it had, I stepped off my machine, but in order to leave I had to walk behind the suspected men. That’s when I was greeted with ANOTHER wave of invisible shit in my nostrils. He did a two-fer! On the treadmill! With lots of people around! Maybe it’s a cultural thing, I thought.
Then tonight I was on the treadmill again, minding my own business and engrossed in the latest episode of The Biggest Loser when I smelled something so rank it could gag a horse. I looked around and was surprised to see that the only person within 20 ft of me was a young blond woman jogging lightly a few machines down. Surely that smell couldn’t have come from her? She wouldn’t do that in public, would she? Apparently she would and she did. I was a little surprised but soon realized that this must truly be a real problem. A problem which could easily turn into a pandemic if not brought under control. A problem which can all be blamed on the parents and their failure to teach their children proper gym etiquette.
So mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be treadmill farters. Please and thank you.
This has been a public service announcement.
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